My genome

Okay, so I didn’t beat those multinationals to the finish line. But I have just recently completed the mapping of my own genome and I have gained insights which put those other guys to shame.
The task is not as difficult as you might initially imagine. One needs time, patience, some very sharp tweezers, and a working space that stretches from here to the sun and back. It takes one or two imaginative leaps to break the code, but I’ll give you some hints for 10 bucks and an SASE.
It turns out that I’m 6’ 4” tall, with hazel eyes and a disposition to laugh inappropriately. Many of my ancestors were “salties”, not “sweets”, and some of them swung from limb to limb. My thumbs oppose one another, and I have caught colds. Tending fires, folding maps, threading needles — these all fall within my capabilities.
But the fascinating stuff is found in the middle rungs of my twisted ladder. I find that I am by nature sinful and unclean. There is placed in me a restless desire for power after power, which appears to ceaseth only in death. But at the same time my genome says that my nature is naive and innocent, and corrupted only by the evils of society. This puzzling contradiction is resolved in a cute little ATTGGCCC sequence which tells me life is absurd, and hell is other people. I am courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and a pastel shade of reverent. My soul, it turns out, has three parts — Reason, Spirit, and Appetite — and I can attain a kind of tranquillity if only I can convince my Spirit to align with my Reason and rule my Appetite. This is very hard to do, but we are all now in negotiation. I am part rational, part animal, and I’m happiest when I’m leading a life of contemplation during prime time.
John Duns Scotus, I find, was all wrong about that “haecceity” business — my genome clearly states that I don’t have a certain “thisness” in my nature, but rather a certain “thatness”, commingled with (and this might just be me) a certain “huh?-ness”.
I cannot breed successfully with shoplifters. A wide range of advertising techniques are bound to work on me, but I can resist some of their charms by concentrating on anagrams. My will is free. The battle of “man versus nature”, in my genome, was taken easily by nature with a K.O. in the 4th round some 6 millennia ago.
I have never heard of the renaissance. One of my ancestors was a Byzantine princess who died a virgin.
Perhaps the most interesting fact about my genome is just how indecisive it is. Many a time I was running through a sequence only to find it terminated in a certain je ne sais quoi. How I can be built of so many “I-don’t-know-whats” confuses me and disturbs me in a way I cannot explain precisely. But such revelations are what life is all about, I guess. After all, the unexamined life is not worth living.